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[SpamDaddy!]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, not one of us could get that jar open."
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $10!"
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Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
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I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to through my ear phones.
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More here.. http://unijokes.com/2/

[-[EVIL]- Bonesaw]

Gold.

[Kerrybiantulip]

Here're my favorites from http://www.viralnova.com/intelligent-jokes/

1.) It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... because they always take things literally.

2.) Who is this Rorschach guy? ... and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

3.) A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.... "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

4.) René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. ... René says, "I think not," then disappears.

5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman.

6.) Yo momma's so classless... she could be a Marxist utopia.

7.) Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?... He's 0K now.

8.) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. ... After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

9.) Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings... Pavlov gasps, "Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs."

10.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.... This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11.) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"... The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "Yes!"

12.) How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? ... Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

13.) What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?... An etymologist knows the difference.

14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant. ... Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

15.) There are two types of people in this world:... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

16.) An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. ... But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

17.) A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.... The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

18.) Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation.

19.) I'm thinking about selling my theremin... I haven't touched it in years.

20.) What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?... Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

21.) What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? ... ...