Evil Soldiers Clan

Soldier's Barracks => Clan Lounge => Topic started by: Welshy on March 10, 2021, 05:05:50 AM

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 10, 2021, 05:05:50 AM
Man walks in to a bar.
What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
OK, I’ll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars please.
There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Swede on March 10, 2021, 07:23:37 AM
 :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 11, 2021, 03:15:24 AM
A bear walks into a restaurant.

He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …............................................... cheese sandwich.

The waiter says, What's with the pause?

Whaddya mean? the bear replies. I'm a bear!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 12, 2021, 05:32:25 AM
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 13, 2021, 05:05:04 AM
A duck walks in to a bar and says to the barman.
"Got any bread"
The barman says "No"
So the duck says "Got any bread"
The barman says "No"
The duck says "Got any bread"
The barman says "No"
The duck says "Got any bread"
The barman says "No"
The duck says "Got any bread"
The barman says "No"
The duck says "Got any bread"
Then the barman says "If you ask for bread one more time I'll nail your F*****G beak to the bar.
Then the duck says "Got any nails"
The barman says "No"
Then the duck says "Got any bread"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 19, 2021, 09:12:32 AM
My mind is like my internet browser.

19 tabs are open
3 of them are frozen and I've no idea where the music is coming from
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 19, 2021, 12:23:08 PM
You missed 5 days? if your going to start a "Joke of the day" you bloody well better start delivering on that promise! Now get your act together and lets hope we don't have to speak in this manner again!   :tongue2:

Typical Welsh....  :cantlook:

And.... before I forget.... "sorry"  ;) (and I really really mean it this time)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 19, 2021, 01:07:06 PM
You missed 5 days? if your going to start a "Joke of the day" you bloody well better start delivering on that promise! Now get your act together and lets hope we don't have to speak in this manner again!   :tongue2:

Typical Welsh....  :cantlook:

And.... before I forget.... "sorry"  ;) (and I really really mean it this time)

Is it because I is Welsh? (say it in an AliG accent)

p.s. Apology accepted
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 20, 2021, 06:06:43 AM
Here's one for Milo

Sniper walks in to a bar.

Ooooof


Crowbar
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 20, 2021, 06:32:50 AM
Im going to bide my time with this one....

I shall return in due course.... :gum:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 21, 2021, 04:29:16 AM
Two horses in a bar having a drink and a chat when a dog walks in.

Dog goes to the bar and says. A pint of beer please barman.

One horse turns to the other and says.

Would you look at that. A talking dog.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 22, 2021, 03:24:31 AM
How do you confuse a troll?

Put three spades up against a wall and ask him to take his pick.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 23, 2021, 04:03:02 AM
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 23, 2021, 08:53:21 AM
How do you confuse a troll?

Put three spades up against a wall and ask him to take his pick.

"Troll" would generally be substiuted with "Welsh man and or Scotsman or even Irishman, up in these parts  ;) so don't be shy welshy, we are all friends here, say it how you know it  :gum:

Enjoying the laughter mate, great job!

Wondering if we should include a "Milo's morning madness" selection of "British humour" What you think Welshy, do you think that idea should be unleashed upon these good folk of the -[EVIL]- Community  :cantlook:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 23, 2021, 08:56:03 AM
How do you confuse a troll?

Put three spades up against a wall and ask him to take his pick.

"Troll" would generally be substiuted with "Welsh man and or Scotsman or even Irishman, up in these parts  ;) so don't be shy welshy, we are all friends here, say it how you know it  :gum:

Enjoying the laughter mate, great job!

Wondering if we should include a "Milo's morning madness" selection of "British humour" What you think Welshy, do you think that idea should be unleashed upon these good folk of the -[EVIL]- Community  :cantlook:

Go for it. We need a bit more humour here
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 24, 2021, 05:50:15 AM
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 25, 2021, 05:09:38 PM
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 26, 2021, 03:36:36 AM
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather.

Perverted is when you use the whole bird.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 26, 2021, 04:11:12 AM
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa..??

Wife: What..???

Where..??

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if u dont stop calling our children – Defective Condoms
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 26, 2021, 09:35:20 AM
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa..??

Wife: What..???

Where..??

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if u dont stop calling our children – Defective Condoms

Good one. Nice to see someone else posting jokes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 27, 2021, 01:47:11 AM
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.

Got your back Welshy !!!! ;D :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 27, 2021, 02:23:36 AM
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room "she does," ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 27, 2021, 02:56:38 AM
Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

 :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 27, 2021, 02:57:49 AM
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 27, 2021, 04:59:20 AM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 28, 2021, 01:12:53 AM
LOL Welshy! Good that the reality differs there ^^

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 28, 2021, 01:22:59 AM
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 28, 2021, 01:31:01 AM
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 28, 2021, 01:47:13 AM
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 28, 2021, 01:55:04 AM
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 28, 2021, 02:23:31 AM
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,

it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on March 28, 2021, 02:25:34 AM
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.

He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 28, 2021, 04:19:11 AM
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 29, 2021, 03:17:10 AM
A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

p.s:

I think this joke is funny, i`ll explain too. I got flashed in rl once , nite time too. The guy was like a 2 meter guy! And he opend his coat , and thought he scared me. I looked at his face, looked down, looked back into his face and asked, if that was all he had to offer!!!!! Never saw the dude in my neighborhood again!  :angel:



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 29, 2021, 11:12:58 AM
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 29, 2021, 11:47:03 AM
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
 The biker pulled over and said,
 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
 God replied,
 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
 The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
 God replied:
 "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on March 30, 2021, 02:54:27 AM
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 30, 2021, 08:55:50 AM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on March 31, 2021, 05:12:38 AM
Helvetica, Arial and Times New Roman walk in to a bar.

The barman takes one look at them and shouts.

"Get out"

"We don't serve your type"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on April 01, 2021, 02:16:24 AM
Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31-day March.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 01, 2021, 07:56:00 AM
A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 02, 2021, 03:29:29 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 02, 2021, 05:41:25 AM
This is good

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on April 02, 2021, 01:48:49 PM
“A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’

‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*****d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!’”

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Tena on April 03, 2021, 08:48:57 AM
Two go and the middle one falls
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on April 03, 2021, 11:21:08 AM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Tena on April 03, 2021, 01:41:09 PM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:

Two go on motorcycle and the one in the middle falls out the window car

(Everything can get worse)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 03, 2021, 05:07:57 PM
Two go and the middle one falls

WTF   :wideeyed:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: M1LO on April 04, 2021, 01:01:49 AM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:

Two go on motorcycle and the one in the middle falls out the window car

(Everything can get worse)


Are... yes Tena... the old motorcycle and the car window gag, the oldies are always the best.

Have you got any more...? Keep em coming mate, keep em coming!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 05, 2021, 07:30:34 AM
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne and introduced him to God.


Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"


God said, "Ah, yes."


"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."


   1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
   2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
   3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
   4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
and finally,
   5. Maintenance costs are outrageous.


"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."


God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.


"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 06, 2021, 04:14:28 AM
A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing him the keys, the salesman hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’ll stop the water from making spots and rusting the metal.” The guys thanks him and goes to pick up his girlfriend.

The girlfriend says “in my family we have a weird thing where we don’t talk during dinner, in fact the one that talks has to do the dishes.” The guy thought odd but I’ll play along. They arrive at her family’s home and there are dirty dishes piled everywhere. On the floor, tables, chairs, dirty dishes just stacked everywhere.

Introductions are made and the family sits down to dinner where everyone falls silent. The guy thought, I could have some fun with this. He grabs the girlfriend by the waist, pulls her close, passionately kissing her. Silence at the table. He begins undressing himself and her, throws her on the table, and begins feverishly making love to her. Still silence. They finish, and the meal continues as if nothing had happened.

The guy thinks ok let’s see how far this can go. He grabs his girlfriends mother, throws her into his arms and plants a big kiss on her. Dead. Silence. He grabs her, throws her down on the dirty dish covered table, and makes love to her as well. He finishes and not a word is said. Just then in the distance he hears thunder. Remembering the salesmans advice from earlier he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline. Just then the father stands up and shouts “fine I’ll do the damn dishes!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 07, 2021, 09:05:15 AM
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 08, 2021, 05:30:18 AM
An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar
The guy is a Monster of a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far less. But he just sits there turning red. The old guy continues: “You know I banged your mom last week too! She LOVED it!!”

Again, the crowd waits for the big biker to kill the old drunk. But he just sits there getting angrier and angrier. The old man says: “I’m going to give it to her so hard tonight! She won’t walk right after I’m done with her! What do you think about that, big guy?”

Suddenly the massive biker stands up, spins the old drunk towards him, grabs his shoulders and says “Goddamit dad, go home! You’re drunk!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 09, 2021, 06:31:14 AM
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.

“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I have no insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed wife the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came here to work up the courage to end it all.

I buy a drink, drop a capsule in it and I’m sitting here waiting for it to dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole thing. Hey, but that’s enough about me. How’s your day going?”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 10, 2021, 07:04:27 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's enclosure. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the enclosure, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the first page:

'REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 11, 2021, 05:04:48 AM
A guy goes to the chemists to buy a pack of condoms.

The cashier asks "do you want a bag?"

The guy replied. " No she's not that ugly"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 12, 2021, 12:43:48 PM
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 13, 2021, 05:07:30 AM
Three Badass Mice walk into a bar.
Three mice walk into a bar.

The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."

The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."

The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 16, 2021, 05:16:17 AM
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Colin who?
Colin the doctor… I’m sick!

Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 20, 2021, 07:18:48 AM
My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, “Who’s your Daddy?”

He replied, “Mum says it was probably the milkman.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 21, 2021, 03:40:52 AM
What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 22, 2021, 05:17:27 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 23, 2021, 04:44:56 AM
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 24, 2021, 04:33:21 AM
A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!

The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 25, 2021, 10:44:07 AM
A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5 dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says "your change, big boy!"

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says "another beer, please."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 26, 2021, 04:08:41 AM
One fine summer’s evening, Paddy, Mick and Liam are riding back home from the bar, all three of them on Paddy’s motorcycle.

Of course, they get stopped by a cop who says to them, “This motorcycle is only licensed to carry two people, and there are three of you. One of you will have to get off and walk.”

“Three of us?” says Paddy as he turns to Mick. “Jeez, what happened to Rory and Niall?”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 27, 2021, 03:52:56 AM
A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.
His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 28, 2021, 07:25:20 AM
An man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He guns it and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him.

The cop comes up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?”

“Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife.”

“What does that have to do with anything.”

“I thought you were bringing her back.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 29, 2021, 05:31:47 AM
An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down
He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Ferrari said *he* could tow him, so that the old man could save the money for the tow truck. The old man eventually accepted his generous offer.

Fate would have it that as they were slowly making their way to the workshop, they were overtaken by a Porsche. Never in his life had the man in the Ferrari been overtaken by anyone, and now by a mere Porsche? He would have none of it! He slammed the gas pedal through the floor to catch up.

The poor old man, mercilessly on tow in his Fiat, realized he had been completely forgotten, and honked his horn to remind the Ferrari driver of his existence.

An Irishman, who was on holidays in the area, was walking alongside the road when they all passed by, well over the speed limit. He immediately called his friend back home:

“Hey Paddy, remember I told you the crazy Italians honk their horns whenever the traffic is slow? Well, you won’t believe it, but I just witnessed a Porsche and a Ferrari trying to set some kind of speed record, but an old man in a Fiat still thought the traffic was too slow!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on April 30, 2021, 07:29:07 AM
Todays joke of the day is.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 01, 2021, 04:21:00 AM
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 02, 2021, 04:30:49 AM
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 03, 2021, 03:20:19 AM
Two lions escape from the circus.
They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him.
One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 04, 2021, 04:30:17 AM
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 05, 2021, 12:42:41 PM
A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 06, 2021, 05:16:13 AM
A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.
"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper then notices a little old lady in the passenger seat, stiff as a board with a horrific look frozen on her face.

"Who's that?" Asks the copper.

"That's my mum!" Replies the driver.

"What's wrong with her?" The copper asks.

"I don't know" replies the driver. "She's been like that ever since we were on the b190."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 07, 2021, 06:57:46 AM
An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”
Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.”
Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 08, 2021, 09:15:42 AM
Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Q: What's the difference between a pianist and god?
A: god doesn't think he's a pianist

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "oops, I broke it!"

Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do call Bach?
A: Dead.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 09, 2021, 03:23:43 AM
A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes." Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied. "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from here eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 10, 2021, 04:43:24 AM
The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 11, 2021, 05:10:20 AM
A group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal;

Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced;

We have a brave winner.
After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled...

Moral: ′′ Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 12, 2021, 05:00:34 AM


It was a hot summer's day when the foreman of a building site came back from a meeting to find one of his workers painting the building as he had been instructed, but he was wearing 2 rain jackets.

The foreman says to him "why on earth are you wearing two rain jackets, it is a hot day and not even raining!"

The worker replies "the instructions on the paint can said to make sure that you use two coats"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on May 21, 2021, 01:04:59 AM
Teacher . " Tell me the diffrence between a Callgirl, Girlfriend
and Wife."

The whole class is silent..until lil J put up his hand and answered:

"Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on May 26, 2021, 11:29:42 AM
Good one. Keep them coming
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 16, 2021, 05:44:37 AM
Ok, something different. A riddle. Please have go. No googling  ;)

You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy.

What am I?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on June 16, 2021, 12:33:05 PM
The loving touch of my father ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 17, 2021, 01:06:45 AM
Oh well. Back to joke of the day it is then.

The answer was A Candle
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 17, 2021, 01:09:59 AM
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there.
Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 18, 2021, 02:32:59 AM

A banker a biker and a lawyer walk into a bar....
They're all buddies who coincidentally have the same wedding anniversary. So they all grab a drink and discuss what they got their wives as wedding anniversary gifts. Banker takes a sip of his scotch and says for our anniversary I got her a string of the finest pearls and a brand new Mercedes so if she doesn't like the necklace she'll like the car and know I love her. Lawyer takes a drink of his bourbon and says for our anniversary I got my wife a trip to the bahamas and a diamond ring so if she doesn't like the Bahamas she will like the ring and know I love her. Biker takes a swig of his beer and says for our anniversary I got my wife a T shirt and a dildo so if she doesn't like the shirt she can go fuck herself.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 21, 2021, 04:15:23 AM
Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle
Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 21, 2021, 05:09:49 AM
Visual Joke for a change

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Yosh on June 21, 2021, 06:42:49 AM
 cage
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 22, 2021, 07:34:24 AM
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on June 23, 2021, 06:20:02 AM

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne and introduced him to God.


Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"


God said, "Ah, yes."


"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."


   1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
   2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
   3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
   4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
and finally,
   5. Maintenance costs are outrageous.


"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."


God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.


"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: SomeonPC on June 26, 2021, 08:05:05 AM
These are golden! Keep them coming!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on August 26, 2021, 12:53:32 AM
<3
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welshy on August 26, 2021, 01:17:42 AM
<3

Yes indeed
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Angi on August 26, 2021, 03:23:33 AM
:)