Stuff.

[Juliet]

hi.

So. I'm bad at apologizing when I know I've done something stupid.  Really stupid.  Since I did it to ...pretty much everyone in EVIL(and to be fair, everyone else on my entire friendlist except for 9 people), I'm posting this here as a global apology.

Fact.  I am depressed lately. I know what triggered it, but I do not know what's causing it.  It's been about 3 weeks...? of feeling really truly depressed.  I haven't felt like this since I was 16 years old, and I'm of the mindset that teenage girls just go through that phase when they're in highschool.  I don't have a clue what causes it in 30+ year old people.

I applied for admin to feel closer to normal again, but it was certainly on a whim. I hate being locked to a team. I hate that I can't join red when the map changes.  I just wanted the little things like team-balancer immunity back. 

I shouldn't have been informed of peoples' choices on the application but as you all know, I was told of a few votes.  One of them bugged me tremendously...way more than it should've (...hugs klumy... I've known you for longer than I've known anyone other than my family..)and in my sadness I removed *everyone* from my list with the intention of exiting the game.  Obviously I am mentally unstable currently, I shouldn't have expressed interest in knowing the outcome, because I can't handle things that could make me sad or angry.

I apologize sincerely to everyone that I've removed... I've already requested a few of you back.  It's your choice to accept or decline.  I don't mean to forget anyone, it's a work in progress.

In regards to the chance of being an admin again, waiting is best.  I need to stabilize before I try again some day down the line.

If given the opportunity again, I would like to point out that I've never denied that I have a temper.  I think it was stated in my initial application.

I've also put a decent amount of work into the servers.  I've even done things to assist Master behind the scenes.  I admined well, even if I did have an occasional lapse of patience.  I was the BZ server manager for a time, as well. I'm trustworthy.

I had good reason (just believe me on this) to leave previously... but like anyone that plays at EVIL, I enjoy TFC and missed playing it.

If anyone has any issue with me wearing the EVIL tag, I can apply for membership again, and I will remove it until then. It's just another one of those 'seeking normalcy' things.

I am sorry for anyone who felt slighted by my actions.  I assure you it wasn't personal, I was just unstable at the moment.

[schuffler]

No problems here. I just hope your doing ok and start feeling better soon.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
schuffler

[Medium-Q-]

I don't really think age has any bearing on whether or not we can get depressed. I think all of us at one time or another has probably had to deal with depression. I mean we are 30 year olds playing video games after all. I know when i use to run a clan in City of Heroes I went through some serious bouts of depression, and the way i dealt with it was by getting more and more involved in an online world. Which of course, didn't exactly help. I know you just took a break from TFC, so leaving the community may not help in your situation, but you may want to try and find some ways to find balance between real life socializing and online. I struggle with this, especially since just recently moving to a new city and being self employed doesn't exactly create a lot of opportunities for making friends. I for one am glad you're playing again though. I think you can bring a lot of fun to the server, if not entertainment when raging on AR sniper noobs.

[Guts]

I don't have an issue at all with you wearing the tag considering how shit ended. I can understand you having depression and maybe overacting but even though the reason behind your "leaving" is a personal matter, it did affect certain other people and caused some unwanted disturbances. With how fast you came back and considering all that went on while you were away.....it may have thrown some people off and maybe they were just looking to have you in the community a bit more as a member/player than to have you back at admin right away.

No one is denying the work you put in as admin, you just have to realize some aspects about the clan have changed since your absence, specifically with people wanting and maintaining LC status. It has become a bit more...rigorous. Again, I think we just needed more time.

I do have to say this apology went a long way with me and I appreciate it. Thank you and its good to have you on the servers.  "Game on"

[Butterbean]

Welcome back to TFC Jules. I wouldn't mind seeing you back in the servers more again as an -[EVIL]- Member. It takes a lot to talk about depression and I hope that you get to feeling better soon. As has already been said, I believe depression is by far more common in adults than people think. I see it all the time at work, and have been through it a couple of times myself. Most of the time, identifying the problem and looking for ways to help yourself is the best way to start recovery.

Take care, have fun and see u soon on the servers!

[Juliet]

I'm finding that it is a lot more common than even I thought.  A few coworkers have told me that they're depressed (...in the past few months, that is... no one at work knows atm about it affecting me)  It's always the happiest people that say it's happening to them, too.

I've always been content.  I've always believed that you can think yourself out of any situation, to feel better by changing the way you live or having distractions.

But I've made life changes already, starting about 2 months ago. I began exercising, eating healthier.  I actually lost quite a bit of weight.  But just suddenly... with no warning I felt off.   I've had off days in the past.  Relatives pass away...sadness. Pets die, sadness.  Life kicks you in the balls, sadness. But I was never depressed.  I was in a funk maybe, I always knew I'd recover.

I talked to a few people online, and even they have said they've been depressed at times. Again, it's people you don't expect.

Lately, though.  I swear I have happy, joyous moments, but as far as a day by day basis, it's 80% feeling *broken* and 20% good feelings.  It used to be the reverse of that.  Maybe 90% good, 10% bad.  It's like my life flopped.  I wish I knew why, and I wish I knew how to go back.

I don't want to medicate myself.  I've always believed I'm a fairly strong person.  Not so sure anymore.

Nights are the worst.  Nights are hard.  So are mornings, technically, since I don't sleep well.

Anyway... just felt like doing some self-analysis in a 'public' place.  Thanks for the thoughts. 

I'll be around.

[Venomous Fangs]

Hey Juliet

Here's a link to a very good webpage we have in Australia that deals with depression, www.beyondblue.org.au

I recommend taking a look as there's a lot of information and peoples stories which can be related to and lets the reader know they are not alone in what they are feeling.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, your always fun to play with and talk to on TFC., welcome back anytime. :-)

[Master]

Okay.. I originally didn't want to post in this thread, but youve triggered me venemous fangs. Kappa
I was dealing with some heavy depression not too long ago, couldn't sleep, had no appetite, just cried all the time and pretended like I could sleep.. a friend (not even a friend, random stranger that I befriended really) told me about a SIMILAR site where people share their stories of their depression to (1) help them get over it and (2) write it down to help them to overcome it. I personally have not wrote anything, but I have read MANY of the stories on http://thoughtcatalog.com  and I will admit, when I was dealing with depression, I spent at least 6 hours a day reading the stories and just literally feeling connected to these people, because while it did not happen to me, I could sympathize with these people, and it did help me feel better, knowing that there are others out there dealing with exactly what I was dealing with.

Juliet, I know we've talked about this quite a bit, I hope you get over this, I hope you start feeling like your old self again.. I really am glad that you are back and playing on evil again, I thank you for all that you've helped me with since stepping back into the community and I hope you feel welcomed here.  Even when I try to kick you out, my home is still your home, as I said to someone else, granted I don't always agree with you, I have always enjoyed you as a player. Just please, don't let your emotions get the better of you. I am sure that we have all made some stupid mistakes in our lives, but we should all do our best to learn from them so that we do not repeat them in the future.

Keep your head up high and remember the good times. PunchTrees