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Joke of the day

Started by Welshy, March 10, 2021, 05:05:50 AM

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A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.
"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper then notices a little old lady in the passenger seat, stiff as a board with a horrific look frozen on her face.

"Who's that?" Asks the copper.

"That's my mum!" Replies the driver.

"What's wrong with her?" The copper asks.

"I don't know" replies the driver. "She's been like that ever since we were on the b190."


An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer: "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."
Driver: "Officer, I have contacts."
Officer: "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."


Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Q: What's the difference between a pianist and god?
A: god doesn't think he's a pianist

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "oops, I broke it!"

Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do call Bach?
A: Dead.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes." Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied. "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from here eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"


The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


A group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal;

Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced;

We have a brave winner.
After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled...

Moral: ′′ Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him


It was a hot summer's day when the foreman of a building site came back from a meeting to find one of his workers painting the building as he had been instructed, but he was wearing 2 rain jackets.

The foreman says to him "why on earth are you wearing two rain jackets, it is a hot day and not even raining!"

The worker replies "the instructions on the paint can said to make sure that you use two coats"


Teacher . " Tell me the diffrence between a Callgirl, Girlfriend
and Wife."

The whole class is silent..until lil J put up his hand and answered:

"Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited"
"You never know what you are capable of until you try."

Manipulators and other malicious narcissists will no longer have any weight or influence over you.


Good one. Keep them coming


Ok, something different. A riddle. Please have go. No googling  ;)

You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. The wind is my enemy.

What am I?


The loving touch of my father ;)
"You never know what you are capable of until you try."

Manipulators and other malicious narcissists will no longer have any weight or influence over you.


Oh well. Back to joke of the day it is then.

The answer was A Candle


A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there.
Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."


A banker a biker and a lawyer walk into a bar....
They're all buddies who coincidentally have the same wedding anniversary. So they all grab a drink and discuss what they got their wives as wedding anniversary gifts. Banker takes a sip of his scotch and says for our anniversary I got her a string of the finest pearls and a brand new Mercedes so if she doesn't like the necklace she'll like the car and know I love her. Lawyer takes a drink of his bourbon and says for our anniversary I got my wife a trip to the bahamas and a diamond ring so if she doesn't like the Bahamas she will like the ring and know I love her. Biker takes a swig of his beer and says for our anniversary I got my wife a T shirt and a dildo so if she doesn't like the shirt she can go fuck herself.


Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle
Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.


Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!