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Joke of the day

Started by Welshy, March 10, 2021, 05:05:50 AM

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Quote from: Tena on April 03, 2021, 08:48:57 AM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:
"It is....what it is"


Quote from: M1LO on April 03, 2021, 11:21:08 AM
Quote from: Tena on April 03, 2021, 08:48:57 AM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:

Two go on motorcycle and the one in the middle falls out the window car

(Everything can get worse)



Quote from: Tena on April 03, 2021, 01:41:09 PM
Quote from: M1LO on April 03, 2021, 11:21:08 AM
Quote from: Tena on April 03, 2021, 08:48:57 AM
Two go and the middle one falls

Oh blimey... Tena is this a joke or a curse cast upon us all... I feel the need to laugh but I also feel as tho something really bad is going to happen to me in the next few hours  :no:

Two go on motorcycle and the one in the middle falls out the window car

(Everything can get worse)

Are... yes Tena... the old motorcycle and the car window gag, the oldies are always the best.

Have you got any more...? Keep em coming mate, keep em coming!
"It is....what it is"


Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."

   1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
   2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
   3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
   4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
and finally,
   5. Maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."


A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend's family for the first time.

After handing him the keys, the salesman hands him a jar of Vaseline and says "if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It'll stop the water from making spots and rusting the metal." The guys thanks him and goes to pick up his girlfriend.

The girlfriend says "in my family we have a weird thing where we don't talk during dinner, in fact the one that talks has to do the dishes." The guy thought odd but I'll play along. They arrive at her family's home and there are dirty dishes piled everywhere. On the floor, tables, chairs, dirty dishes just stacked everywhere.

Introductions are made and the family sits down to dinner where everyone falls silent. The guy thought, I could have some fun with this. He grabs the girlfriend by the waist, pulls her close, passionately kissing her. Silence at the table. He begins undressing himself and her, throws her on the table, and begins feverishly making love to her. Still silence. They finish, and the meal continues as if nothing had happened.

The guy thinks ok let's see how far this can go. He grabs his girlfriends mother, throws her into his arms and plants a big kiss on her. Dead. Silence. He grabs her, throws her down on the dirty dish covered table, and makes love to her as well. He finishes and not a word is said. Just then in the distance he hears thunder. Remembering the salesmans advice from earlier he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar of Vaseline. Just then the father stands up and shouts "fine I'll do the damn dishes!"


An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'


An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar
The guy is a Monster of a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, "Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don't you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!"

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far less. But he just sits there turning red. The old guy continues: "You know I banged your mom last week too! She LOVED it!!"

Again, the crowd waits for the big biker to kill the old drunk. But he just sits there getting angrier and angrier. The old man says: "I'm going to give it to her so hard tonight! She won't walk right after I'm done with her! What do you think about that, big guy?"

Suddenly the massive biker stands up, spins the old drunk towards him, grabs his shoulders and says "Goddamit dad, go home! You're drunk!"


There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
"Oh come on man" the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I hate to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life" I sob. "I'm a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I have no insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed wife the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came here to work up the courage to end it all.

I buy a drink, drop a capsule in it and I'm sitting here waiting for it to dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole thing. Hey, but that's enough about me. How's your day going?"


A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's enclosure. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the enclosure, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the first page:



A guy goes to the chemists to buy a pack of condoms.

The cashier asks "do you want a bag?"

The guy replied. " No she's not that ugly"


On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


Three Badass Mice walk into a bar.
Three mice walk into a bar.

The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."

The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."

The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."


"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course."
"Great! I never could before!"

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Colin who?
Colin the doctor... I'm sick!

Man: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
Doctor: "Is this her first child?"
Man: "No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

Patient: "Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?"
Doctor: "Sell!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 HOURS! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."


My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, "Who's your Daddy?"

He replied, "Mum says it was probably the milkman."